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Full disclosure: I use some Apple products. I like my iPhone just fine, I’ve used iMacs as my primary computer for almost 15 years, and I have an ancient iPad that barely works and essentially serves as a museum piece showing what a status symbol used to look like all the way back in 2010. So my opinion might be slightly colored by my enjoyment of many Apple products. 

You can be sure that when I heard Apple was coming out with a watch, I wanted to learn the details. Now that I’ve educated myself about this new piece of gear, I feel confident in my ability to articulate exactly why you might want to buy one of these bad boys. So here are seven very good reasons why you might want to get an Apple Watch:

Reason #1: You’d Like to Alert Everyone Around That You Own Something Superfluous Yet Expensive

This is particularly handy for muggers and other criminals who now know you have at least $350 of very easily accessible merchandise on you at all times. Thanks, Apple!

Reason #2: You Love The Idea of a Watch That Doesn’t Last 24 Hours

18-hour battery life on a watch? You scoff at the notion that this almost surely defeats the entire purpose of having a watch in the first place. That purpose, in case you weren’t sure, is to have something reliable to glance at for information like the time or your messages at any given moment. But there will still be a watch after the battery dies, you say. Yes, an incredibly expensive, not-very-good-looking, still-very-temporarily-functioning watch.

Reason #3: Your Phone Screen Is Way Too Big

Seriously, have you seen phones lately? The new iPhone is the size of a Rolling Stone magazine, and I mean the old, unnecessarily huge version. You’re a purist who liked playing Worm on your Nokia (who didn’t?) and who thought your Double Dragon watch vastly improved on playing the game on a silly TV screen. Man, those were the days, when you could mash a button on your wrist and a tiny LCD leg would appear in front of your tiny LCD man indicating that he was probably kicking some other tiny LCD enemy who may or may not have been nearby. Apple Watches are bringing tiny back!

Reason #4: You Like Having a Watch That Is Essentially Nonfunctional Unless You Have a Specific Model of Phone in Your Pocket

I once had a friend who said he might want to buy an Apple Watch and I said, “Yeah that will pair really well with your iPhone,” and he was all, “But I don’t have an iPhone,” and I was like, “Maybe spend that $350 on a strip club because that will get you equally useful mileage.” That was the best advice I've ever given even though I still cannot wash all the glitter off of my skin.

Reason #5: You Want to Check Something But Your Phone is Alllll the Way In Your Pocket

Ugh, I want to read Kanye’s latest tweet but my iPhone is all the way in my front pocket. Who has the time to reach allll the way in there and pull it allllll the way out, press a button, look something up, then stick it alllll the way back in their pocket? I’m exhausted just thinking about it and Kanye already has at least five solid gold tweets in that time! Swish!

Reason #6: You Don't Ever Want to Hide From Constant Notifications

I’m not a psychiatrist, but I’m pretty sure the healthiest part of modern technology is our inability to escape an endless bombardment of alerts that tell you there’s a new email in your inbox or your friend just took a picture of a club sandwich. The problem is how often those notifications were infuriatingly hidden in your pocket or purse. Never again!

Oh, also on the whole “I’m not a psychiatrist” thing, I’m not able to prescribe you drugs, please stop asking for that.

Reason #7: Now You Know What Time It Is!

Even though you already knew that because you have a phone, which is the reason you stopped wearing a watch in the first place. Coming soon from Apple: print books and CDs!

I hope I helped your decision-making process if you were at all on the fence about buying an Apple Watch. I know I’m gonna be the first in line, but I’m not telling you where my local Apple Store is—I want to be first, dammit, so don’t try to beat me!